7 Rules for Keeping Chickens

Letter for all those who have loved and lost a 'girl'
To Keeping Chickens Newsletter subscribers from Susan in Melbourne, Australia

Rule 1. Don't name your girls...I started with A for Anita and by the letter T and with only 5 girls to show for the alphabet, I decided it was emotionally safer to just call them 'girls'.

Rule 2. All herding dogs will herd - feather or fur or wool! Be prepared to introduce dogs on a lead and accept that they will have to admire your 'girls' through a fence. It's a very strong instinct to herd/chase and the girls simply don't have the heart for it.

Rule 3. Fences are made to fly over or wriggle under. I have divided my yard nicely with 4 foot lattice fencing. It has created a lovely backdrop for our garden and a freeway for the girls! Yes, I have trimmed a wing on each but they still manage easily to 'bank' over the fence. I am reluctant to totally remove their main defence mechanism for escaping predators including the deaf cat from next door.

Rule 4. Foxes will hunt anytime of the day. My previous hen house was broken into 3 times and each time I reinforced the walls with another layer of wire, then wood. I started to feel like one of the three pigs! Then the fox broke in through the wire roof of the run. I now have a welded mesh house with mesh floor. Most nights, after putting the girls to bed, I let the dogs run around the yard, leaving wet messages on the bushes, etc. This seems to ward off the foxes during the day while we are at work.

Rule 5. Be careful where you bury your dearly departed girls - their sisters have a gruesome tendency to dig them up (or the dog)! Apparently it isn't considered good manners to drop them into your neighbours garbage bin either...oops! (I had run out of ground space)

Rule 6. Your girls will lay way past their 'best by date'. As a result of bonding, feeding and protection, the eggs get bigger and better tasting. Even if they are old and can't lay anymore, they are still eating garden pests and delight in seeing you in the garden. Probably best not to dwell on what goes into their egg production - eewww

Rule 7. Try and go vegetarian for a month a year. It's a good reminder of all the other foods that are out there. It honours and recognises the importance of all life, especially our 'girls'.

Thanks for the newsletter and I love some of the designer hen houses! It's got me thinking about what to design when we move to live at the beach - at least a small surfboard as a ramp up to some beach sheds???!!!

Susan, Melbourne, Australia and enjoying a beautiful, balmy autumn/fall.

Clever Chickens ?

The story below comes from Keeping Chickens Newsletter subscriber Jackie.

Hi Gina - thankyou for sending the chicken newsletters, they are helpful and interesting. have kept chooks for many years, loved them well, but never attributed much in the way of brains to them until recently when I saw something extraordinary happen:

A good friend had two elderly hens remaining from a small flock which had gradually dwindled from old age. His hens, Mrs Red and Mrs Brown, ran free most of the time and came to his door to look for food, especially when he was sitting there in the sunshine enjoying a roll-your-own cigarette. Mrs Red had raised many chickens and was admired as a good mother.

Jack, their owner, decided to do a trip away. He gave Mrs R and Mrs B to me to care for while he was away. They gradually integrated with my hens and rooster, and became part of the flock, especially Mrs Red, who is naturally bossy. She went clucky and raised chickens for me, and generally dominated the hen house.

It was nearly two years before Jack returned. He drove the car up my drive, parked behind the house, and got out. All the hens, about twenty in all, were just let out for their afternoon run, and were clustered round the door to the henhouse, about 20 metres up a hill from Jack's car. Quite suddenly Jack's two detached from the flock and RAN down the hill, straight up to Jack's feet, and looked up expectantly at him. I could almost hear them saying "OK - where's our dinner then?"

Whether it was the car, or Jack's voice, or the smell of his tobacco, or a combination, I dont know, but those hens remembered him perfectly - he had not been at my home while the hens were there, or fed them in that place. They had not done that to any other of the many visitors they had seen arrive over two years. Chooks have more brains than I thought!

Cheers, Jackie, North Hokianga, NZ

Chickens in the Yard

Chickens are not currently allowed within Salem's residential areas. Dana Matthews of Chickens in the Yard is hoping to change that by persuading Salem city council to revise it's ordinance to allow residents in Salem to keep a few backyard hens, for eggs and as pets. Other cities already do allow chickens and have found that there can be many benefits. This item from living culture also features a chicken keeper (and her backyard flock) from Portland Oregon where they do allow backyard chickens and she shows some of the benefits of keeping a few chickens in your back yard.

Chickens in the Yard - Part 1



Chickens in the Yard - Part 2

Raising Chickens - First Steps

There are many benefits to raising chickens; they can make great pets, they provide natural bug control, they give you several eggs each week (and potentially meat), and they provide endless hours of therapy and enjoyment in watching them cluck and peck around.

For many people, raising chickens is their first step to becoming more self sufficient. Chickens need relatively little care, but there are a few things you may want to consider before placing your order :

Do you have the space : A coop needs to allow at least two square feet per chicken and they will also need a secure run allowing at least three square feet per chicken (the bigger the better - particularly if they won't have a chance to free range safely). Their coop doesn’t have to be anything palatial, but some care will need to be taken to ensure that it is dry, free of drafts and safe from predators.

It doesn't hurt to allow some extra room - you never know
when you might need it!

Do you have the time : Chickens need relatively little care, but they do need to be locked into their coop safely at night, and let out again in the morning. They also need fresh water and feed every day, and the coop should be cleaned out regularly.

Cost : In terms of the monetary cost of feed and bedding, hens usually more than pay for themselves with their eggs (not to mention the enjoyment they bring as pets). The cost of buying or building a coop and run however, may take a few years for them to 'earn'.

How many : How many chickens really depends on how many you think you would like, have the space for, and can look after. Chickens have a group mentality so having at least two or three is better than having just one. With most egg laying breeds you can expect to get four to six eggs per week from each hen (this number will probably decrease as they get older). You don't need to have a rooster to get eggs but if you want one then the normal ratio is one rooster to every ten hens.

Neighbours : Some local areas have rules on keeping chickens so you should always check for any restrictions before building / buying your coop. Even if you are allowed to get chickens, it may be a good idea to have a word with the neighbours first if they are very close by - particularly if you are thinking of getting a rooster.

A Rooster can add a lot of colour and excitement to your flock - but will your neighbours mind being woken up at 5am (or earlier) every morning?

Free Ranging : Chickens enjoy being able to free range, but if they are not in a secure area, and / or you are unable to keep an eye on them, it is not always safe for them to do so (predators, including your local neighbourhood dogs, can make their presence felt very quickly). If you are able to free-range safely then nothing in your garden is safe – they will eat / dig up / dustbathe in everything! If they can’t free range safely then they will need a secure pen – fresh air and exercise is as important to a chickens well-being as it is to our own.

*******

I have some tips for raising day old chicks here.

Below is a video from keeping chickens newsletter subscriber Carol H of her baby chicks first day :

Tips To Keep Your Chickens Cool

Some Ways To Keep Your Chickens Cool

• Shaded areas
• Electrolytes in their water (if they are panting / drinking a lot) will help replace the electrolytes they are losing.
• Fresh water throughout the day (water left out in the sun will soon be warmed, so it is nice to replace it with new cool water every now and then if you can). A few ice cubes in the water can help keep it cooler for longer. They will probably be drinking more than normal so it should be checked on to ensure that it does not run out.

Cool fruits such as water melon, can help cool and
refresh your chickens on a hot summers day.

• Ventilation in the coop
• Frozen ice packs - freeze 2 litre plastic bottles of water (or similar) as something cool that can be hung or laid on the floor of the coop or in a shaded area of the run for them to sit by or perch on if they want to (if you can place the bottles in something like a zip-lock bag then they should be kept clean so that they can go back into the freezer ready for another hot day).
• Cool fruits such as watermelon (straight from the fridge for extra coolness!) will help cool and hydrate your chickens.
• A fan in the coop. A well ventilated coop may not need a fan, but in very hot weather if there is no air circulation the heat they expel from their own bodies can increase the temperature even further.
  

Caring For Chicks - A Quick Guide To Raising Baby Chicks

As a general rule it is usually best to keep chicks of the same age together and to only keep as many chicks as there is comfortably room for (bearing in mind that they grow quickly!). The main concerns when raising chicks are proper heat and proper feeding – there must also always be clean fresh water available (not easy to achieve when they tend to like to go paddling in it and perch on the edges!). Heat should ideally come from overhead as that is the most natural method. They also need to be able to get away from the heat if they want to. For the first two or three days the temperature should be around 95 degrees and will be gradually lowered to around 80 degrees by the end of the first week and a half and then continuing to gradually lower the temperature by about a degree a day. If your chicks have not already been vaccinated then medicated chick feed will help protect them against coccidiosis.

Using A Hoop House To Raise Baby Chicks



Related Blog Post : Using a Greenhouse as a temporary chicken house or scratching shed.

Eye Infection

This comment comes from subscriber Michael Breder's personal experience with an eye infection in one of his flock - it may prove helpful to other chicken folk.

"One of my 4 hens was not being herself when I came home from work and I found her in one of the nest boxes with her eyes gunked up. I immediately got her a bed in the nearest dog kennel quarantined on my porch and started calling my chicken support group. I spoke with one of my vet friends after hearing from many others that I should just dig a hole or eat her. My vet buddy said I had to get her eyes cleaned out with a warm wash cloth and get some neosporin in her eyes. He said to save the 15 bucks for terramycin at the feed store....turns out neosporin turned out just as good. Next day her eyes looked much better and she was on her way to recovery. I kept her in the dog kennel until she got her bearings and her appetite back. She is now back with the flock and it's a month later with no further problems. What looked like a possible sick chicken turned out to just be an eye infection...she is the rowdier of the flock and I think she just ran into something and hurt her eye. Just thought I'd share the story about the neosporin and getting her eyes cleaned out."

Rehoming a Battery Hen - November Newsletter

I have just finished the latest newsletter - I hope you all enjoy it. In addition to some subscriber coops and photos, tips and a story I also have an article on re-homing battery hens. If you have ever thought about re-homing an ex-battery hen you may have wondered what you might expect from one. Ex-battery hens can go on to thrive as 'real' hens in your backyard.

Battery eggs will hopefully one day be a thing of the past, but it does take time. One thing we can all do that will help speed things up is to refuse to buy any products that contain battery farmed eggs (if a product contains free-range eggs it will usually say so).

If you are interested in supporting an ex-battery hen there is currently a 'help care for a battery hen for a week' campaign in progress.

If you are interested in re-homing a battery hen(s) then you may be able to find contacts through your local animal welfare charity. Sometimes it is possible to go to the source directly - egg farms are often willing to sell off their 'spent' hens. Please bear in mind when contacting them that many egg farmers do use cage-free / free range egg farming. Those that are using caged hens, are probably operating well within the legal requirements for egg farming and will be happy to co-operate with you if possible.

Here is a link for USA based egg companies grouped by state –
http://www.manta.com/mb_34_C00FC_000/chicken_eggs

If you are in the UK then The Battery Hen Wellfare Trust can help you locate some ex-battery hens http://www.bhwt.org.uk

I hope you enjoy the newsletter, if you are not already subscribed you can do so by entering your name and email address in the form at the top right-hand corner of this blog.

Winter Tips in the Keeping Chickens Newsletter

Here are a few winter tips I have picked up along the way that you may find useful. This is by no means exhaustive. There is no definative right or wrong way for wintering your chickens so these are not “this is what you should do…”, just ideas that you can take or leave. Some of these tips involve the use of electricity in the coop. Electricity in a coop can be helpful but is not essential (afterall people have been keeping chickens for hundreds of years without it). If you do use a heat lamp for the coldest nights, then it is obviously essential to make very sure it is fixed somewhere securely and safely. A dry, draft free coop (but still ventilated) will be the most important part of keeping your girls (and boys) warm. Chickens will acclimatise to colder weather and can create a lot of warmth just huddling together. You will need to consider the temperatures you get in your area and work within that (i.e. nicely insulated coops and cold hardy breeds if you are in a very cold area). Bantams will feel the cold the most. Extra insulation in the coop and extra dry bedding can often make a coop surprisingly cosy, even in the coldest of climates. Fully grown chickens are actually surprisingly hardy and can cope with around 30 degrees above zero. A little extra corn (as a supplement to their normal nutritionally balanced feed) can give them additional internal warmth.

Chickens very often don’t particularly enjoy the snow or rain, but they do need fresh air and exercise. Unless it is blowing up a storm, if given the choice, they will normally prefer to venture outside (even if for only a little while) rather than stay ‘cooped’ up inside for the whole day. In many respects you can for the most part trust your chickens to take care of themselves. Many a keeper has gotten soaked through to the skin trying to round up their chickens in bad weather – only to find them dash right back outside again as soon as their back is turned! Unless there is a reason they do not want to go back to the coop (such as a predator) they will probably not venture far from the coop, and may even just stay inside of their own accord if they feel it is too cold for them or raining hard. In cold weather a covering of thick plastic/tarp over the top of all or part of the run can leave them with a snow-free place to run around. Some unroll bales of hay into the pen to give them a bit of insulation from icy ground. Others will just shovel snow out of the chickens way so they have a little bit earth to walk on and peck at.

Ventilation in the coop (whilst still avoiding drafts) is important - even in the very coldest days. The chickens breathing will create moisture which needs to get out or it could result in a damp atmosphere inside the coop, possibly leading to air quality problems and frostbite. If the coop door is situated in a position where it will get rain blown in or nasty drafts, then you may want to put some sort of protector at the door if it is to be left open. Your chickens can learn to push their way through. Some people have had success with strips of rubber, an old towel, pond liner – even a dog flap!

Those with large combs and wattles are most susceptible to frostbite (unfortunately not an uncommon problem in very cold climates where it can regularly be below freezing). It usually affects just the tips, but whole combs have been known to get frozen. Rubbing vaseline or another kind of petroleum jelly onto a frostbitten comb should soothe it, but there is usually not much that can be done to fully restore the look of the frostbitten bits (which tend to go black and possibly scab)....

The complete Winter Tips article (and October 07 Newsletter) is archived in our free members area - to join, simply enter your name and email in the Keeping Chickens Newsletter Subscription box at the top right-hand corner of this blog.

 The above video is an extract from 'Common Sense In The Poultry Yard' which is available in kindle format (for pc, ipad, android, mac, and kindle fire etc.) from Amazon.com here :
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B008J2VNCU
A pdf ebook and mp3 audiobook of it is available here :
http://www.keepingchickensnewsletter.com/Books/common-sense-in-the-poultry-yard.htm

Two Roosters - looking for a good home...

"I have two roosters that need good homes. They both have been raised on my land, free ranged and offered organic feed. They are both beautiful, both have feathered legs. One is taller and lean, orange body and bright green tail feathers, the other shorter a large brahma style. They are just not what I need. I am only interested in keeping my hens. But I hope you could maybe share these with folks and we can get these guys a good home. I am in Virginia, not far from Richmond, or DC...
Would be happy to mail out a nice rooster." Adam.

If anyone is interested please post a comment below (check back for replies if you do) or email me at the newsletter email address and I will pass the message on.

Poultry Tent at the Royal Show 2007 - Video

A video from the Royal Show 2007 Poultry Tent including interviews with Philip Smedley, owner of the winning 'Best In Show' Ancona, and the Veterinary Surgeon for the GB poultry Club talking about avian flu.

Wing Clipping - Clipping the wings of a chicken

Wing clipping is where you clip the primary flight feathers on one wing with sharp scissors. Clipping one wing puts them off balance but still allows them to fly a little. You may need to do this if your chickens are likely to be able to fly away over a fence, but bear in mind that it will also make it harder for them to fly away from any predators.

The primary flight feathers are the farthest away from the body. There are usually 10 primary flight feathers and it is those ten that you clip on one of the wings if you want to stop your chickens from being able to fly too high. The 10 primary feathers of the wing you are clipping should be cut just beyond the edge of the next layer up. If the feathers are not completely grown (i.e. they are still pin feathers / blood feathers ) then you should not cut them yet.

Here is a video showing how to clip your chickens wing. I have included it to illustrate how it is quite easy to see the difference between the primary flight feathers and the others. It also demonstrates that wing clipping does not hurt the chicken.

Feral Chickens

Twice a month City of Miami volunteers hit the streets to control the growing feral chicken population.

They are known as...The Chicken Busters
To catch a chicken, you have to think like a chicken.


All the captured chickens are sold to a farm and the proceeds are donated to several local charities.

Restrictions Against Keeping Chickens

This blog is titled 'Keeping Chickens In Your Back Yard' but in a lot of areas there are laws preventing or restricting your ability to keep chickens in your own back yard. Many see this as an afront to their basic rights. This video is an interview with Jim Tucker who has been fighting for over a year to keep chickens at his marina on US Highway 98. In that time he has given nearly all his chickens away, but he still has one chicken left...

He has recently been told that he has 6 months to resolve several code violations - including keeping a farm animal within city limits.

Feeding Chickens Video

Know Your Enemy : Rats

Here is a little introduction to Rats (and a few ideas of how to get rid of them).

Rats are primarily nocturnal animals, so if you are regularly seeing them in the day, it probably means that you have a lot of them. They are not interested in your chickens as such, but they are interested in the food that your chickens are eating. Having said that, they will attack (and kill) chicks, and they will take your eggs if they get a chance to. A rat might attack a chicken, but an angry chicken can be a mighty foe, and it is not unknown for chickens to kill (and eat) rats.

What attracts rats: Food!
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* Make sure you only feed your chickens what they need, to avoid attracting vermin.
* Keep your chicken area clean.
* Collect any eggs as often as possible (as rats will try to steal them).
* If you have a compost bin, don't put any cooked food in it.

How they are likely to get in if they are attracted:
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Rats have razor sharp teeth and have been known to nibble through wire, but they are most likely to try and burrow in, or nibble away at the chicken house itself (if they can get to it).

One solution is to use weld mesh instead of chicken wire, as weld mesh is far stronger and cannot be pulled out of shape or bitten through as easily as chicken wire can be. For added security you could continue the wire fencing down another 12 inches (or more) buried into the ground and then turn it outward 6 inches to help prevent burrowing underneath.

Some people also recommend making sure there's at least a 4" gap between the floor of the shed and the ground as apparently rats can't stand upright and chew.

Getting rid of rats if you have them:
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Some cats and dogs will catch rats for you.
Poison and Traps (available at diy store etc.) - Poison is not a good idea around the chickens if they are likely to find the dead rat or the poison (as they will eat them).

Two old-fashioned methods you might like to try:

1. Mix equal parts of corn meal and plaster of paris and place it in the rat holes. The plaster of paris hardens in the stomach of the rat and is sure death.

2. Old-Fashioned Rat Trap

* Dig a hole and bury a large fruit jug or jar.
* The top part of the jar should be left uncovered, and a hole should be broken in it just above the ground.
*Place some shelled corn in the bottom, put a board on top, and weigh it down.

Check it every few days

(an illustration of the above trap can be found here http://www.self-sufficient-life.com/u.php?6)

Rat Facts:
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A female can produce up to twelve litters of twenty rats a year.
It is estimated that one-fifth of the world's total food output is eaten, spoiled or destroyed by rats. Around 26% of all electrical cable breaks are caused by rats, and they are thought to be responsible for around 25% of all unexplained fires.

Famous Chicken Breeds : The Orpington

The original Orpington (the Black) was developed in 1886 by William Cook. He crossed Minorcas, Langshans and Plymouth Rocks to create the new hybrid bird. Cook named the breed after his home town in Kent. The first Orpingtons looked very much like the Langshan and were black. Between 1889 and 1905, Cook also created white, buff and blue colored Orpingtons. The Orpington was bred as a dual-purpose breed (meat production and eggs), but its popularity grew as a show bird rather than a utility breed. Their large size and soft appearance together with their rich color and gentle contours make them very attractive.

Besides the original colors (black, white, buff, blue), lots of other varieties exist today, e.g. porcelain, red, mottled and birchen. The original colors are still the most widely bred varieties.

Photo by Jack Bennett of his prize Rooster 'Goliath'

Orpingtons lay between 110 and 160 eggs a year.

Below is a little video footage of some Buff Orpington Hens, and Cockerel.

The above text about Orpingtons is licensed under the
GNU Free Documentation License.

Chicks and the brooder house

Chicks don't have to be kept inside your house, but they do need to have warmth. A chick being raised naturally by its mother would be kept warm by her sitting on it, but would also be able to wander about and get it's exercise and food/water etc. when it wanted. That is essentially what is intended to be recreated when in the brooder house. I have a short video clip on my website of a brooder house - it's from a really old educational film, but you might find it interesting. You can see from the video clip on my site that in that particular brooder house there is a stove towards the back of their area but also space in front and around the sides so that the chicks can get away from the heat if it is too hot for them.

Caring For Chicks - A Quick Guide To Raising Baby Chicks (Video)

In fact, there are several short video clips dotted around through the chicken section of my website including the growth stages for chicks and also how they hatch out in an incubator. Talking of which, here is a recent news story you might like about a ten year old girl who to decided to try and hatch out some duck eggs bought from Waitrose!

Do chickens get along with cats / dogs?

This seems to be one of the biggest concerns of new and potential chicken keepers. There are always exceptions to the rule, but this is what I have found (based on my own personal observations, opinions and experiences):

Family pets are usually not the problem. Chickens can look after themselves quite well when it comes to seeing off a too inquisitive cat or dog. A swift peck on a soft nose is usually all it takes! It can be a good idea to let your dog or cat explore the new chicken house before the chickens arrive so that there is no mystery to the housing itself. You can let your pet know in the first introductions if it is doing (or about to do) something wrong and that is very often enough to keep everyone living together happily.















It is not safe to trust them with young chicks but fully grown Chickens can get along quite nicely with the family cat(s) - infact most of the time they just ignore each other (in my experience, if anything, it is more likely to be the cat that is chased!).

Dogs can be a bit more troublesome but really it depends on the dog itself. If you have a dog that chases and barks at anything that moves, then it probably is not a good idea to have chickens, but some dogs are so docile they can end up being perched on! One advantage if you do have a cat or dog around is that their presence can sometimes deter unwanted intruders (such as foxes, rats, neighbourhood cats and dogs) etc.

Photo By Valerie Rose "I have 6 free ranging 10 wk old hens that roam my fully fenced city lot. I also have a 21lb MainCoon cat named Taio. Taio is extremely docile ball of fluff of a cat... but I didn't realise just HOW docile until this afternoon. I thought you would enjoy these photos of Taio and the chickens. :)"

Most of the problems with cats and dogs seem to come from the neighbourhood pets that are not being properly controlled and looked after. Owners have no legal responsibility for cats but a neighbourhood dog can be reported to your local authority (although it will not necessarily do any good). If you have a co-operative neighbour then there could be a compromise, but unfortunately some neighbours are very inconsiderate - hopefully you have good neighbours!

Regardless of how well your pets get along with the chickens it is advisable to keep your 'girls' in a secure run and only free range them when you can actually be outside with them - Foxes (and badgers!) are becoming increasingly common in even the most urban of areas.

Chicken Rearing 101

Your Complete Guide to How Not to Raise Chickens
By Nola Kelsey
***************

Capon: A castrated male used for meat. [How much could that yield?]
Pullet: A female chicken under one year old.
Hen: A female chicken over one year of age
Rooster: A male chicken over one year of age.

Raising Chickens for the first time can be intimidating. When I first called the Feed Shop, I was trying to sound like a pro. I asked, "Do you sell pullets?" "Yes", the man replied. "Are they all females?" It's been an uphill battle ever since.

Pullet parenthood is as much of an adventure as child rearing, only with more feces per pound of body weight. However, I've been reading quite a bit on poultry matters. [Yes, my coolness just turned over in its grave.] So if I am correct and I am quite certain I am not, here is how chicken rearin' goes.

Go to your local feed store and purchase $10 worth of chicks and $50 worth of food and supplies. Don't forget the water dispensers. Buying the metal ones, never plastic is always advised. Must be country humor. I have yet to see a metal one.

Next, place the chicks somewhere sheltered, like a bedroom closet. Toss in some highly flammable straw or wood shavings and promptly dangle a glowing heat lamp just above them. Note to self: Update homeowner's policy.

For the next several weeks feed them 3 lbs of food per day and remove 4 lbs of sh*t per day from the closet. Despite all logic the birds get bigger. As the adult feathers grow in be sure to clip one of their wings. That is one per bird, not just one wing total. If clipping is done late chicks will nest in your toilet. This is a bad thing.

Clipping can be accomplished by tossing your scissors and your body into the heaping mound of chicks, feces and straw. Grab a wiggling screeching bird from the bile pile. Restrain it with one hand. Stretch the wing out with your second hand. Clip off 50% of the wings outer ten feathers with your third hand.

As the birds grow adjust the heat light temperature down by one degree per day. No, this is not actually possible. That's not my point. You start at 100 degrees for hatchlings then continue down by one degree per day until your bedroom is a minimum of three degrees cooler than the spring blizzard outside your window.

Once you have frozen your ear to your semi-cannibalistic down pillow and the chicks have grown their adult feathers, they can be moved outside to the coop. I estimate the initial closet rearing stage to have taken five years.

Before the move, experience the Joy of Wing Clipping one more time. Feather clipping never works the first time. No one knows why. Still, after all the hassle you probably don't want them to fly the coop in under sixty seconds. Of course, if you're like me, by this time you may be inclined to pack them each a lunch and leave a stack of Greyhound tickets by the open coop gate.

Regarding habitat construction: Hen houses and chicken coops are a competitive art form. There are a myriad of websites showing off architectural designs from Chicken Chateaus to Bird Bordellos. The meticulous craftsmanship makes my own home look like - well - like a chicken coop.

Always fashionable, I went with a shabby chic motif for my coop. The nesting boxes are an eclectic mix of stolen milk crates affixed to the wall by anything in arms reach. As for the coop itself, there is a gift for tight chicken wire which eludes me. Quite frankly, my first attempt at a coop looks like Dr. Seuss dropped a hit of acid, blasted some Jefferson Starship and rolled around on the wire with every Who in Whoville. I think I'll keep it.

Inferior design aside, I ultimately learned a thing or two. The nesting boxes are supposed to be up off the ground. That is correct. For those of you keeping score you just spent two weeks cutting back the birds flight feathers only to hang their houses in the sky. It's just sick.

Higher than the nest boxes, you are to build a roost. This is where the birds crap at night so they do not crap on your breakfast eggs. Of course the roost is usually OVER the nesting boxes, so whatever you do, don't use those perforated plastic milk crates.

For young birds maintain a heat light in the hen house. Then on cooler nights an animal with a brain the size of a bulimic toe nail clipping will make the conscious decision to forgo your nest boxes, bypass the instinctual roost and leap into a tanning bed.

And finally there is the feed regime. I asked several experts and read up on feeding as well. Make sure to give your chickens starter formula, mash, growth formula, start & grow, brood formula, grit, no grit, scraps, no scraps, goat placenta, nothing suggested on the internet, tetramyaicn, no antibiotics, medicated starter, non-medicated starter and never, ever switch in-between.

I may not be Queen of the Coop yet, but I'm working on it. Though I am a zoologist and I still know Birds 101. Here are two myths I can help with. First, you do not need a rooster to get eggs. Most folk, especially those who have never owned chickens, will advise you on chickens. Each will insist you need a rooster for a while to do his manly duties. Then you can slip him in the pot. As appealing as this concept is, your pot is a separate issue.

Roosters are only needed to make fertile eggs. Hens are all that is needed to make breakfast eggs. Fertile eggs are just peachy if raising chicks was such a joy the first time you want to repeat the whole freakin' process. In addition there is always the risk of breaking a fertilized egg open and finding a 50% formed chick fetus hitting your hot skillet. Yum! Years of therapy will follow.

To keep it straight in your mind consider this: You are going about your life. Suddenly massive balls of calcium start stacking up inside your abdomen. Are you going to hold on to them just because you have not had sex lately?

The second bird myth is totally unrelated so I thought I would mention it. Penguins occur in nature from the Equator on Southward. That is down to the Antarctica, not the Arctic! No, they do not hang out with Polar Bears who live in the Arctic. No, you did not see them when you worked in Alaska, in the Arctic. Those were puffins. No, I am not sorry you look stupid to all those folks you told penguin tales to.

Yes, some penguin species even reside on the Galapagos Islands at the equator (Cold weather would kill them), not floating around on icebergs - and not in the Arctic! Yes, I realize my eggs are not all in one basket. Delusional, close-minded people who insist you need a rooster to fertilize your penguin eggs so polar bears won't lose their food supply drove me crazy!

Satirist Nola L. Kelsey is the author of Bitch Unleashed: The Harsh Realities of Goin' Country & coauthor of the wicked political/self-help, satire Keeping the Masses Down. Both are available everywhere fun books are sold. More of Nola's work may be read at: http://www.NolaKelsey.com